So, we all know you can buy drugs online, but Silk Road is not the only marketplace on the dark web. Here’s a few other things you might not have realised you can have for a price.
Redecorating? For $1500 you can buy yourself a genuine shrunken human head. This, I am assured, is $3500 less than the regular price (bet you didn’t know there was a regular price), but you get the head you’re given, no special requests. The heads are for decoration; the seller is an artist and “creating them is something of a hobby to me”.
On Silk Road, though the site won’t sell items designed to harm others, it doesn’t mind listing things that are purely defensive. So if you’re feeling a bit paranoid and have a spare hundred grand or so, you can purchase a fully armoured vehicle.
Seller Limetless (and he wanted me to assure you the spelling is deliberate lest you question his intelligence) will ship anywhere in the world.
Elsewhere on the darkweb, one vendor has kindly offered an insemination service for $620. He offers a very personal service, inseminating would-be mothers in the old-fashioned way.
If you need some spare organs, a heart will set you back $65,000, a lung $30,000 and a kidney just $20,000.
From life to death: Contract killers are a dime a dozen (or about $20,000; but you’ll have to be prepared to part with $30,000 if you want to hire the guy who doesn’t mind doing women and kids). If you don’t have that kind of cash sitting around, for $6 you can buy a syringe filled with HIV-positive blood and do the job yourself.
But if the person you’re mad at doesn’t deserve to die, how about getting them raided by the SWAT team? For $5, SwattingService will arrange a ‘mild situation with a few cops to scare somebody’, but for $20, ‘the SWAT team comes and from there they can do anything.’
If you like stuff but don’t like paying retail, Buttery Bootlegging will steal to order. Or if you are a crook yourself, for $270, an enterprising fellow will make a stolen car into an ‘unrecognisable ghostcar… designed for the real criminals who smuggle hashish and cocaine through Europe. But also for burglars and muggers.’
At $25 a page, you can have a university paper written for you. But if the advertisement is anything to go by: “well you have come to the right place, i am here to help make sure your documents get done RIGHT! i will only lower the prices if you get more than 10 pages!” I doubt that a pass mark comes with it (though you are guaranteed lots of exclamation marks). But not to worry, there are fake degrees from all the world’s top universities, though they won’t survive an audit.
For just a couple of dollars you’ll get login details for all the major premium porn sites. That means you’ll have a spare $8 for a nice person in France to pray for you.
If you can’t bear to be separated from your pooch, even when in a restaurant or on public transport, $30 will get you an assistance dog identification card so that the faithful one need never leave your side.
Finally, how about a chance to become an ‘anonymous community pirate’ in Project Eden? For the bargain price of $330,656.84 you secure yourself one of 23 places in a bunker in ‘the golden mountains of the Altai’ in the unfortunate event of an apocalypse.
The money will go towards construction of the bunker (which will be 53 feet deep and house a swimming pool, sporting room, cinema, a festive room, a garden, medical room, library and an “internal farm to raise fishes and cultivate vegetables and cannabis” to last 5 years), weapons and supplies.
There is one important stipulation – all members must be fertile ‘in all directions’, whatever that means.
Disclaimer: I know a lot of this stuff is not funny. But I suspect some of them are scams and if you try and purchase any of them you deserve to lose your money.